Monday, March 30, 2009

Alcohol Lubricated Locutions from Friday Night


 

"Holy Crazy Sideburns"

"That's what happens when you a wear mock turtle neck on a date"

"I don't DO stupid." "Well, I could probably 'DO' stupid, but it would be hard." "It would have to be hard."

"I could do stupid but only for a limited run."

"I don't care, just get rid of it."

"Oh, I have more to say." "Oh, I know you do."

"Because I was hilarious."

"She said you forgot the rest of your outfit."

"I lost a bet." "What was the bet?" "There was no bet."

"Just as long I get the Tingo Taco Combo platter."

Thursday, March 26, 2009

word of the day: Propinquity

propinquity \pruh-PING-kwih-tee\, noun:

1. Nearness in place; proximity.
2. Nearness in time.
3. Nearness of relation; kinship.

Following the race he took umbrage at Stewart's rough driving so early in the day, and the propinquity of the two drivers' haulers allowed the Kid to express his displeasure up close and personal.
-- Mark Bechtel, "Getting Hot", Sports Illustrated, December 6, 2000

Technologically it is the top service among the women's fighting forces, and it also has the appeal of propinquity to gallant young airmen.
-- "After Boadicea -- Women at War", Time Europe, October 9, 1939

I was stunned by the propinquity of the events: I had never been in the same room with anyone who was later murdered.
-- Karla Jay, Tales of the Lavender Menace

Schultz came by her position through propinquity: her husband, older by 12 years, used to play music with De Maiziere and afterward chat about politics.
-- Johanna McGeary, "Challenge In the East", Time, November 8, 1990

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Couple things that have been bugging me lately.


Don't pee on the toilet seat. Really.


When you are in the ladies room, don't spray so much perfume, that I end up smelling like your perfume.


Drama. Can't we all just take a deep breath and relax?


You don't always respond to my emails or return my phone calls, so don't whig out when I don't respond to yours.


Please respond to my emails.


Wait for people to exit the el before pushing your way on.


Hurry up and get off the damn train.


Stop singing under your breath. You are not in the shower. You are not on a karaoke stage. You are sitting next to me on public transportation.


The el is not a singles bar. If I am reading a book (or listening to my iPod) do not repeatedly ask for my phone number or my email address when I have repeatedly and politely refused to give it to you. Also, don't bother giving me your phone number and email address. Drunkard.


Seriously. Take a deep breath. Everyone.


I hate phlegm. I hate mucous. I hate congestion. I hate my sinuses. I hate being sick.


I hate when I'm cranky. I hate when other people are cranky.


I like sunny days.


I like eating lunch outside.


I like puppies.


And dogs.


And kittens.


And cats.


And lattes. I miss drinking lattes. I wish I could still afford to drink a latte every morning. I miss making money.


Puppies are cute.



Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Word of the Day: Eclectic

1eclec·tic

Pronunciation:

\e-ˈklek-tik, i-\

Function:

adjective

Etymology:

Greek eklektikos, from eklegein to select, from ex- out + legein to gather — more at legend

Date:

1683

1: selecting what appears to be best in various doctrines, methods, or styles

2: composed of elements drawn from various sources ; also
:
heterogeneous

eclec·ti·cal·ly \-ti-k(ə-)lē\ adverb

Sunday, February 22, 2009

Driving in Morrocco

I haven't been blogging because 1. I've been hyper-focused on my jobsearch and 2. I've actually been working on other writing. So in the meantime, here is an old essay that was part of my thesis:

On a drive from Rabat to Marrakech, October 2002

Colorful stands selling pomegranates, apples, tangerines, eggplants and live chickens for slaughter line the highway.

Most public restrooms, even in the European-looking gas station, have two sinks and two stalls, the stalls equipped with a drain in the floor to squat over. Though Heather declares she has to go so bad she doesn’t care, she comes back to the car admitting she chickened out.

Driving eight hours from Rabat to Marrakech in a rental car that doesn’t have a CD player, to entertain ourselves we make up lyrics to the Arabic music on the radio. When the keening hurts our heads too much, we decide to sing American songs.

Problem: The combined musical knowledge of the three women in the car does not equal one complete song. At most the three of us come up with the chorus and half a verse to Neil Diamond’s Sweet Caroline.

Maps in Morocco: futile. Streets change names frequently and the locals are never are told the official names.

When asking for directions at a gas station, men gather, some from other cars filling up, some walking by. Strangers to each other, they sound like they’re arguing as they point at the map in our guide book. Even when friendly while delivering directions with a smile, Arabic sounds angry.

Told in Spanglisharabic to veer at the circle, we don’t know which circle or in which direction to veer.

Problem: There is a circle at every intersection.

Something curious: No left turns. To turn left you’re directed into a right lane that turns and somehow you end up left.

Marrakech, an ancient city, teems with Berbers and Moroccans as well as English, German, French and Canadian tourists. Three New Yorkers trying to maneuver a sedan through centuries old streets at night: not a good idea.

We realize sitting at a red light when a series of cars pause and then drive on that, after dark, traffic lights are treated like stop signs. Street signals become suggestions.

Since our hotel is inside the medina, we should have called ahead and arranged to be picked up; instead we attempt to drive to the hotel. Problem.

The attempt is complicated by street sign’s placement at the top corners of buildings and they’re in Arabic. We decide to give the address of the hotel to a taxi driver, offering to pay to follow him in our car until he finds our hotel.


Driving up to a line of mustard-colored dusty cars at the taxi stand, a collection of drivers comes to our window and argues over who will take us. Maybe it isn’t arguing; maybe it’s the Arabic.

As we drive down a narrow, winding street, donkeys and people hurtle out of our way and some pound on the car yelling. A young woman with kohl-lined dark eyes wearing a yellow djellabah spits Arabic at us and waves her hands in the air, for a moment we think that we’re back in New York.

Forty minutes of crisscrossing the medina following the cab driver, leads to worry that he might be setting us up for abduction. We wonder if we have made a rather large mistake.

The cab driver suggests calling the elusive hotel for directions. Giving him some Dirhams, we watch from our car when he makes the call from a pay phone.

Something else curious: There are payphones in Marrakech.

The driver takes us to a parking lot, which is really just the alley behind three buildings, and in disjointed English instructs us to park the car there for 15 Dirhams a day. Kara, whose name is on the rental agreement, worries something will happen to the car. She first resists, then panics. Eventually she acquiesces.

After explaining we have “beaucoup valise” and “mucho luggage,” a man appears with a cart. He tosses in our Samsonites and Touristers, then vigorously pushes the cart through crowds. Following him, we’re not sure where he is leading us and are nervous that if we lose him we’ll lose our luggage.

We laugh that we’re about to become a State Department statistic, but stop laughing when we turn off the crowded street and continue down an unlit path.

We hear the sounds of the square just on the other side of the walls, where there are food carts and snake charmers and acrobats, but we are a group of five slithering through the dark. I wish I could remember all of a “Hail Mary.” I get lost after “Blessed art thou among women.”

The cart stops suddenly, a little door within a door opens, and there it is, the lobby of the Riad Enija, a garden with fountains, birds and soft music.

The taxi driver refuses our Dirhams. He is a university student named Mustafa majoring in Mathematics. He smiles big when I take his picture with Heather and Kara, then gives us his email address so that we can send him a copy.

When shown to our room we find rose petals strewn on silk linens and Moorish tiles.

The three of us sink into the beds. Kara tells us that while talking to Mustafa, when he heard we were from New York, he grasped for his French, struggling to remember the word désolé. Kara tells us it means I’m sorry; he was referring to September 11th.

Through out our stay we are continually touched by how generous and kind everyone is that we meet.

We fall in love with Marrakech.

Saturday, February 07, 2009

Word of the Day

It was pointed out the me last night that all the vowels are all in order. I also like this word because I'm a smart ass(ie. facetious) Also, it sounds like feces. Really, I am a grown up. Sometimes.

Facetious
Main Entry:
fa·ce·tious
Pronunciation:
\fə-ˈsē-shəs\
Function:
adjective
Etymology:
Middle French facetieux, from facetie jest, from Latin facetia
Date:
1599

1 : joking or jesting often inappropriately : waggish 2 : meant to be humorous or funny : not serious
synonyms see witty
— fa·ce·tious·ly adverb
— fa·ce·tious·ness noun

Tuesday, February 03, 2009

I saw my shadow (and I wept)

Randomness to follow (mostly thoughts from the past couple weeks):

  • I love Obama. We know that I love Obama. I'm all about slurping up the Kool Aid. And I was pretty damn happy about all of his nominations. And then like dominoes, they keep falling. Weird, right, that Hillary seems to be the least controversial. Even with her husband cozing up to all those foreign nationals?
  • Apparently, Daschle and Geithner are on board with tax increases for the wealthy, because well, they just don't pay all their taxes.
  • And the pen, it appears, is pretty mighty. Or at least the editorial is.
  • The City is the worst show. Ever. And yet I'm watching it. There's all kinds of fabricated drama, I mean real drama, and yet it still feels slow. But it's quotes like this that keep me coming back "You know you can trust me baby." I forgot that guys actually say things like that. Oh and I love that Olivia Palermo is so stereotypically bitchy and snotty. These people have no soul. And I love it.
  • Blago-crazy - why isn't his PR firm writing his speeches? His rambling, pointless, emotionally, whiny plea to the Senate was, well, rambling, pointless and whiny. Did I mention pointless? And then the press conference in front of his house, that awkwardly wouldn't end. And he walked into the crowd and told some kid he would play ball with him sometime, and then continued to reiterate the fluff that he had already said. He's beginning to be like Starbucks. Enough already. You're on every corner and we're sick of you.
  • Karaoke in South Haven, MI is serious stuff. They should do an American Idol audition there. There is a man named Bob, who has his name on his shirt, and man named Charles who sings Ray Charles, and young guy who looks a little Kevin Federlineish who sings love ballads and never cracks a smile. It's serious stuff..
  • Damages is so great, Blair even referenced it on Gossip Girl. I'm so addicted I have to watch it at 9 and again at 10 to see if I missed anything. And I love that the main character is a tough bad ass girl who is smart, smart, smart.
  • My apartment needs a steam cleaning from ceiling to floor. It looks like an agoraphobic had a break down there. Or, I didn't leave my apartment and didn't clean up after myself for like a week.
  • I think my cat should pitch in and help me clean. Maybe scoop her own litter or wash a dish once in awhile. I think a lack of opposable thumbs is a poor excuse.
  • I love chicago. I hate Chicago. This winter sucks. I have a hit out on Punxsutawney Phil.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

25 Random things about me

It was brought to my attention by a step-3rd-cousin (I have a complex family) that I have been neglecting my blog. (His exacts words were "Ho, get off the street and back in the library")

So to kick start things I am sharing with you something I posted on Facebook. I was "tagged" in a Notes game of tag. You have to write 25 things about yourself and then tag 25 people and they then do the same. and So on. So here are 25 random things about me:

1. Lately, I've really been missing New York, A LOT but I'm not sure if I miss the city or if I miss that time of my life.

2. I hate carrots, bacon and asparagus.

3. Like Lorraine, I go through food phases. One three week period, I ate creamed spinach every day for lunch. Currently I'm going through a brownie phase. I'm hoping it will be replaced by something healthier.

4. I love coffee. I have a Pavlovian response when I even just catch a glimpse of a coffee cup. I love coffee.

5. Two summers (one in high school and one in college) I interned for Congressman Charlie Wilson (as in Charlie Wilson's War). There were three Amy's in the office so his nickname for me was Junior.

6. I have a cat. I love her but she is my secret shame. I don't want to be the cliche, but alas I am. But what can I say? She's a sweetie and greets me at the door.

7. I have never been married, but I have lived through three marriages. My mom and my dad's, My mom and my ex-step dad, My Dad and my step mom. And my mother asked me why I have commitment issues. I will say this, my dad and my step mom have THE marriage. If I get married I hope to be lucky enough to have the kind of marriage that they have.

8. When I was in high school, I hated my step mom. Now however she's one of the most important people in my life. She's the first person I turn to when I need something. I can't imagine who I would be and how I would survive if she wasn't in my life.

9. Like many people I too had a crappy childhood.

10. I'm angry at my sister for dying.

11. I love my family and get cranky if I go too long without seeing them. Although, I get cranky when I'm with them too long. I can spend three days with mom before I start whining like a 12 yr old. I can spend 7 days with my dad, step mom and brothers before we turn like dairy products. Once it sours, it sours fast. Still, I love them and love spending time with them.

12. I have at various times in my life had fake nails, dyed hair and a perm (not all at the same time, but some overlapping) At the moment my nails and my hair are all natural.

13. I have a book problem. I'm always buying them. I like to own them. To keep them. Its hard for me to go into a bookstore without spending 60 bucks. I loan books to friends but ask for them back. I'm a weirdo about books. I rarely re-read them but I still like to see them in my bookcase and remember them.

14. I used to have a shoe and a purse problem. Grad school poverty helped dim it a bit. Although I still own a lot of shoes, especially ones I never wear.

15. I really want to have a family some day. I always wanted to be my next door neighbors the Hamiltons (four kids - two boys and two girls). But I know that I am not ready to not only marry anyone but especially to parent anyone. And I'm ok if I never do. I've yet to meet anyone that I've seriously thought "This is the guy." And I'm not settling for good enough.

16. I watch a lot TV. I love cheesy shows (Gossip Girl, The Hills)

17. I am not licensed to drive. When I was living in New York my drivers license expired and I never got around to getting a new one. And now I have to take both the written and the behind wheel test again. For now, I'm all about the CTA.

18. The most consistent thing in life is my cell phone. I've had it since April 2000. It's the longest in my life that I've had the same phone number. It hasn't escaped me that the most consistent thing in my life is mobile.

19. I didn't eat red meat for ten years. When I was nineteen I stopped eating red meat in an attempt to be healthy, then on my 29th birthday I ordered a steak. I don't know why. But it just sounded good. Now I'm an omnivore.

20. Once in college, while I was bartending, I tripped and knocked over the cash register. It was a mess.

21. I get claustrophobic. It's not debilitating, but it's pretty bad.

22. I'm a night owl. When I was in grad school I did most of my writing late at night lying in bed. Sometimes I'd be up until 5am.

23. I'm an extrovert. I'd rather be out around people. I like crowded restaurants, standing at bars, walking through cities. I get energy from other people. But I go through antisocial moments. I hibernate in my apartment, turn off my phone, and don't leave my apartment for at least a day. I just want/need to spend time by myself reading, writing or watching bad tv about super rich high school kids.

24. I have the greatest Dad. He's "Adorkable." My biggest fear in life is disappointing him. Although, if you hear us talking to each other, I'm mostly teasing him about being nerdy. Underneath the teasing, I respect him the most of anyone I've ever met. He's a pretty extraordinary guy.

25. When I was in kindergarten I got in trouble for telling a boy to pull down his pants on the playground.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

What is hidden in my closet?

I am not an organized person. And I'm a shopper (at least when I am employed and have a paycheck) On top of that, I am a pack rat. I'm borderline a hoarder. Alright, maybe I'm not that bad. But, it's not good.

I have clothes in my closet that I haven't worn in over four years. I also took more than eight trash bags of stuff to salvation army when I moved out of New York over three years ago. And cleared out another three bags worth when I moved into my current apartment a year and half ago. And yet, I still have crap in the back of my closet that serves no purpose, except to hang on a hanger.

Once, in NYC, I took a little trip through my closet and pulled out a dress that I forgot I owned. My roommate at the time commented that maybe I should shop in my closet. She had a point.

When I pulled out my sweaters this fall I realized that I owned two cashmere, sleeveless, cowl neck brown sweaters. What? really? I meant it's not like a white button down or a black turtle neck. One of them was a Banana Republic purchase, the other a Marshalls shopportunity. I'm sure I bought them months apart. But still, wouldn't you think I would realize what I was doing? Shouldn't I know what sweaters I already own?

I changed my blogger profile pic. It's one I took last year when I cut off ten inches of my hair. I tried taking a photo of it to email it to a friend. Anyway, I noticed the sweater that I'm wearing in the pictures and I wondered, where the hell is that sweater now? Seriously. I have no idea where it is.

My roommate was right. I need to do some shopping in my own closet.

Friday, January 09, 2009

Blagorageous claims of the day


He's being impeached because he tried to get pap smears for women.

He is the reason some kid got a new kidney.

He could have saved the housing crisis, but The House stood in his way (and made things worse), so you know, blame them if you lose your home.

He has a Poem of the day desktop calendar.



and I'm just curious about this sentence:
"...let me close by doing something that I probably won't do much after this, but I feel like doing it again since I did it not too long ago"

What?

[Sweet blog - Suntimes]

Tuesday, January 06, 2009

Making Noise in Public Library

I had to watch a lot of Sesame Street when my brother was young. Which is fine, except that we are eleven years apart in age, so when he was 2 and I was 13 I was watching a lot of Sesame Street. There was one bit that I remember with Grover. He was sitting on a mountain top wearing lederhausen and calling out "Echo" and listening to the return "Echo, echo, echo." During this time my dad was working at the American Embassy in Rabat, Morocco. We had a great Moorish styled home with tiles and marble and echoing hallways, as well as critters you find in a Mediterranean home. Especially gecko's. Not so cute as the Geico one when it crawls out of your bath tub spout. My brother, a fan of Grover (and his own voice) would sometimes sit at the bottom of the staircase and call up the marble stairs and the echo'y hallway "Gecko, Gecko, Gecko." Loving the sound of his voice bouncing around back and forth.

So, I'm back at the Public Library today and in the midst of the seemily normal people surrouding me who are also working on laptops or reading books and newspapers, there is a man standing in the staircase making "MMMHHHMMM" noises, listening to the acoustics and the sounds he can make.

I'm coming around to this whole Public Library experience. It is entertaining.

Roland Burris takes a break from the 3rd person

This is what unsettles me about Roland Burris, he kept beginning sentences with "Roland Burris."

I just have a hard time taking anyone serious who speaks in the third person.

The other thing, and well, this is bigger, he appears to be surprised that anyone would have issue with him accepting the appointment. If he had acknowledged that there is validity to everyone's concerns, it would almost feel OK to accept him as the appointee.

But maybe that's starting to crack a bit for him, today standing in the rain, he actually didn't seem surprised that he wasn't being sworn in, and for the entirety of the "press conference" (which was really more like a scene from Law & Order, with black umbrellas, rain and press surrounding the man on the steps of the gothic looking Capital Building) he didn't once refer to himself in the third person. So there's that.

Here's the thing, this is what I've been thinking about this fiasco:

There was an episode of Scrubs where Turk wanted to give Carla a gift, something personal to show her that he cared and that he got her, except he was a resident or an intern or some sort of quasi doctor and working all the time so he never found the time to go out and buy her a gift then he came across the Lost and Found box and inside among other random items was a pen. A beautiful expensive fountain pen. Carla liked writing letters so the pen was THE gift to give her. And she loved it and she loved him. Except one thing. After giving her the pen and her loving it, he discovers the hospital doesn't have a lost and found box. The hospital has a It's Been Removed From Someones Butt box. The pen doesn't seem so nice anymore, does it?

That would be the obvious reaction to the appointment. At least to me.

Monday, January 05, 2009

The Public Library Is Stinky

In an attempt to get out of my apartment (and you know bathe and get dressed) and take a break from my new obsessive news watching, I am blogging from the Chicago Public Library. Usually I go to various coffee shops. I have quite the knowledge of which ones have free wifi and which ones are loud, which ones quiet and who plays the best music. But in an attempt to be economical (because let's be honest, it's never FREE. I feel obligated to order a coffee or buy a bottle of water or a sandwich and before I know it, it's been a $14 dollar afternoon) I am trying out the public library. This is what I've observed so far:
  • It stinks. Kind of like a mix of B.O., new car smell and stale air.
  • There are a lot of people in here on a Monday afternoon. Recessionistas? Daycrawlers who work from home? Retirees? Who knows...
  • The seats by the window go fast.
  • It's a wackadoodle trip down memory lane sitting in a study carrel. I keep expecting to see Greek letters carved into the wood. Or graffiti referring to my sorority (or one of the others) as slutty.
  • I type REALLY loud.
  • Turning the page of a newspaper is a distracting sound.
  • People need to turn off their ringers. (and what is great is that if you don't, the sweet Asian lady librarian will come over and passive aggressively request that you kindly turn if off)
  • The guy sitting one study carrol over from me needs a cough drop.
  • I need to be able to gaze out a window and think for like hours when I'm attempting to write brilliant things.
  • Next time, come early and snag a window seat. (and bring a cough drop for throat clearer sitting next to you)

Friday, January 02, 2009

cryptic notes

As a writer (and in particular as someone with ADD), I do not always have a pen handy when I have an idea, so I have gotten into the habit of saving text drafts of ideas. But frequently I forget what I was making notes about. Following are some notes I made about story/essay/blog entry ideas:

  • Olive (no idea. Seriously, not one clue)
  • What would be innocuous? (again, who knows?)
  • Signs on Greenlawn (Greenlawn Dr was the street of my childhood home. But I don't know what I wanted to write about the signs)
  • An ordinary day (this one I do remember. How seemingly out of nowhere your perception of something changes.)
  • The backend of peoples homes (This is referring to the view from the el, but when I started writing I kept thinking of Denis Johnsons Dirty Wedding and nothing I wrote could compare)
  • Gaf (Irish slang for home. Not sure what I wanted to say. But I like the word)
  • Winners: Hairbrush and shoes (this one puzzled me for quite a long time until I realized it was referring to the bizarreness of our news that week..the Hairbrush was Blago's and the shoes were the ones tossed at W)

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Projecting My Ridiculous Insecurities

I returned home last night after almost two weeks on the East Coast at my parents house. It was a week of drinking wine, napping, making fun of each other and board games. All around a good holiday and great family time.

When I got home I came home to a pissed off cat (she does not like it when I leave) and an empty fridge. To be honest, it wasn't empty. What it did contain was rotting left overs and sour milk. So I ventured out to a Deli around the corner from me to get some take out. Whenever I order take out or delivery I usually order enough for two meals. It's my own warped form of multi-tasking. I reason with myself that if it's delivery and I'm paying for the delivery I'm actually saving money. I'm not sure how I'm justifying it when it's take out. Anyway, I order a bit of food. The last time I was there when I told the guy that it was To Go, his comment was "I assumed you weren't eating it all yourself." Except that I was.

Tonight when he handed me my order he said something about getting a workout on my way home. I assumed he was referring to the size (and the content) of my order. I'm pretty sure I blushed and was about to make some reference to "we" (we being my imaginary dinner partner so he wouldn't think I was eating all that food by myself). Then I realized he was actually referring the weight of my order, as in, the bag was heavy. (Not me)

I need to relax.

And enjoy my mozzarella sticks, my brownie, my chili mac. yum.

Sunday, December 28, 2008

Rerun


I think it warrants a repeat...this was almost two years ago.  I was telling my family this story and it stills cracks me up.  I was, of course, kidding when I made the comment.  It was something I said frequently.  In addition, I would affect a vally girl accent while saying, but still someone quoted me.

Sunday, December 21, 2008

Word of The Day

Time with my family made me think of this word. Can't imagine why:

Wisenheimer
Main Entry:
wi·sen·hei·mer
Variant(s):
also wei·sen·hei·mer \ˈwī-zən-ˌhī-mər\
Function:
noun

Smart Aleck
Etymology:
2wise + -enheimer (as in family names such as Guggenheimer, Oppenheimer)
Date:
1904

Friday, December 19, 2008

Do your mother a favor...

My mother called me last night. She read my latest story, and this is what she had to say: "Can't you write anything happy? Do your mother a favor and write something happy."

Ugh. Mothers.

I didn't sleep last night. Not at all. I packed (last minute) did some tidying up in my apartment, explained to my cat that I will be gone for 10 days but that I am coming back and someone is checking in on her (yes, I am a crazy cat lady, I don't usually like to advertise that, it's my dirty secret) and then suddenly it was time for the cab to pick me up (4AM thank you very much).

I hate people who hum along with their iPod on the el. That was me this morning. Well, I haven't slept. I didn't realize I was doing it until I opened my eyes and saw the looks. Oops.

Then I was in line behind a Romanian family of 6. yes, 6. They opened a special lane for them. Thank you TSA for family lanes.

Then I actually got on my plane. One of the only flights not delayed. I sat in my chair and watched them de-icing the plain, thinking Is this a good thing? when they announced we were deplaning because of mechanical difficulties.

WTF

I am trying to use my time wisely. But I ask you, why am I TRYING to write something happy?

Ugh. Mothers.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Sometimes I write more than the random blog post

My second published piece titled Molting is part of the current edition of Poeticdiversity.

My first published piece Doors Closing was on Failbetter this summer.

What was surprising to me is that I just googled my name and "Doors Closing" and came across this blog review of my story, which gave it 4 stars. I had no idea it was out there. Now I really do feel like a writer.

Monday, December 15, 2008

It's beginning to smell a lot like winter

I love the smoking ban. I LOVE the smoking ban. I remember my first morning after the New York smoking ban. I woke with a hangover complete with headache, nausea and fuzzy teeth. But my hair smelled like my shampoo. My coat, well my coat had a whisper of a smoky smell from earlier pre-smoking ban nights but it didn't need a febreeze fogging in order to wear it to lunch.

How quickly we adjusted. Even my smoker friends. Until it was as if we had always stood in bars with out smoke, as if we never had to do that dance to dodge the ends of strangers cigarettes being waved around too close to the backs of our heads, as if smokers always snuggled outside of bars puffing quickly whilst missing their drinks sitting back at the bar.

Than I moved to Chicago. And I knew smokers. I was spending time with writers. Not just writers. Writing students. There's something about an MFA that ignites cigarettes. I re-adjusted to smoke in bars. To frebreezing my coat after a night out. To burning eyes, the smell, the thickness of air in bars.

And then it happened in Chicago. THE SMOKING BAN. And it was a beautiful thing. But there's something I've been noticing lately. The smoke covered things. Horrible things. Disgusting things.

People fart. A lot. Walk through a crowded a bar and breathe deep, the pungent smells will assault you. The greater the crowd, the greater the risk of crop dusting. In the summer it's not as noticeable, maybe because we spend the summer drinking on patios or near open windows. But now that winter is here and windows are shut tight and doors kept close, there is no escaping it. People fart.

If only we could have a farting ban.